Thoughts about the future....

I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog (me not updating for almost 2 months doesn't help, I know - but I was busy) so this might just be for my own mental health. But I'm at a junction, and I need to sound it out.

I've been out of work ever since getting my terminal degree in a field that I knew would be difficult to break into. Finding a job has been at times, heartbreaking and at other times frustrating at the extreme. But, this isn't totally what is on my mind; its more of a byproduct of that situation. In order to keep sane (and my skills up), I've thrown myself headfirst into being a musical director. For the past three years, I've been the primary music director at MTD, directing 6 of the last 9 shows. For 5 of those 6 shows, I got the position because I went to the director and begged, pleaded, or otherwise brought myself to the attention of the director; because there aren't too many other people, I've gotten the job. Over that time, I felt that I had presented a good product, even if other aspects of the show had possibly been lacking.

Over the past few weeks, some events have occurred that have shaken the perspective I have on my performance and the quality of the product I've presented. For the first time ever, I was part of a show (at least as far as I know) that was reviewed by a major player in the DFW theatre scene, and it was a positive review. What many other people didn't know (at least I didn't - and if others knew, they didn't bring it to my attention until an out of state friend showed it to me) was that there was a second review - one that was not only negative, it was downright mean. And they really really raked me over the coals. This in itself, while upsetting at the time, was something I've been able to deal with. There's scuttlebutt that the two anonymous reviewers might have had an axe to grind with some other people in the production, as well as the production itself and I might have been caught in that - but maybe not. And reading one of the comments in particular, it seems at least one other person agreed with the specific issues of the music direction.

This has been coupled with the issues I've felt over the past 6 or so months - whenever the conversation comes up of me getting a job outside of the metroplex and me moving away, I'm jokingly told that I can't move away, because "everyone needs me". I'm not sure how to take that - I'm needed supposedly, yet when the staff for each show is discussed, I get to sit and hear that "the minute we decided on this show, we asked X or Y to music direct", or if there is a spot open, my name is never brought up. I've spent the last three years building myself up as a music director, supposedly essential, but never considered for these spots. I guess that its a back-handed compliment that when there's no one else, I'm called in. But I'm sick of being that guy. It looks like in the fall, there exists the possibility that I will have to interview for a show opening. I know other people have been asked to MD this show (not necesarily by the director, but some people on the production board) - and they've all refused. Further, the director knows I'm interested, and I've had some friends "talk me up" to him, and yet he's ambivalent enough that if I want to be considered, I've got to interview.

In the end, I'm just wearied by thie whole mess. I'm sick of being emotional over this issue - I'm sick of not really knowing what people thing of me as a music director. I don't know if I possess the perspective anymore to judge how I am as a music director, or to judge the product that I produce. If I can't do that anymore, should I even be trying to find spots? Maybe I should face facts that I am a stick waver, and that I don't belong in a theatre anymore. Maybe I never belonged there in the first place.

The sticking point in my mind about this - for the first time, I don't feel all emotional about this. I don't know if that's a sign.